January 2012
3 posts
Autobiographical Haiku
Hopeless romantic; If knowledge doesn’t kill me, Love will be the gun.
blackberries
Reaching past the haggard tangled thorns of unmanageable weeds, leaves, stickers To reach what is sweet; these blackberries, succulent tastes of tiny victories. The scratches on my hands lessen with what I have achieved. Blackberries, victories, metaphorical sweets.
The Ocean
You can’t see the bottom of an ocean, Only the surface that twinkles in the sun. You can’t anticipate the commotion, The sighs, the tides, the waves have only begun.
You make me feel like I can’t drown, Like the depths are but adventures we’ll travel. You are the anchor that will hold me down, I am the tangles I want you to unravel.
The rivers run high, the rivers run...
November 2011
3 posts
Wind
You try to produce something beautiful, but all that comes out is sadness. You try to regain your sanity, but you’re being choked by your madness.
Wind tangles your hair in a nest of unmanageable fury. The leaves that are swirling intermingle with your worry. So shut your pretty little eyes to the world you’re hiding from. Pretty little darling, your thoughts are a smoking gun.
Your...
is Me
You could say he was the one to push you to the utmost max. He started things, yes, he laid down the tracks. You both were the actors, but he read you the acts, You rehearsed, you cursed, verse by verse, can’t turn back.
Intoxicated to mental death, The hands of passion around your neck, Trying what’s worse, but doing what’s best. The second chapter to prelude the rest.
And...
Anonymous asked: Are you dating Ricky Labuda?
October 2011
6 posts
Like Thunder
Your face is a silhouette I captured in the dark. In the haste, in the glow, in the power of the art that we threw away in messes of wonder, our thoughts were asunder, hearts beat like thunder.
Booming with storms spilling the rain that won’t stay, it just drips away, it’ll dry by next day. I couldn’t open my eyes past the squint they were in, clenched fists, move hips,...
Swollen
The scars on my arm are really quite lovely. Two little swollen sketches in flesh that draw a picture of what once was. Intricate simplicity that reveal the hurt that was overcome. Perhaps with time. Perhaps letting out the demons that hid behind the impenetrable door of flesh. The sorrows that swelled my heart now only swell the scars.
this, right here, in this moment
Realizing at 12:07 A.M. that you’re crying with laughter with your best friend and roommate and it’s officially your birthday is a good feeling. Realizing that you’ve finally reached the 20’s, that you’re out of your teens, that you are officially, absolutely in adulthood is a good feeling. But the feeling of knowing that your youth is officially in the past,...
September 2011
8 posts
fiend·ing [feend-ing] v. to really crave something, to do something: I’m fiending for her touch.¹
Fiending. (I’m sitting here unusually attracted to the painted stucco on my wall when) I realize that’s all that college really is. If not fiending for marijuana—seriously considering if “maybe it’s not such a bad choice to smoke the stems” would actually be...
My philosophy professor seems as if he’s a very sad man.
He presents his lectures in speech of monotony in sluggish stature underneath a yamaka that hides a growing bald spot.
Perhaps he’s tired (as we all are), and perhaps a smile flitting across his face is a rarity—of which it only presents itself in the occasion of agreeability on thought.
Or perhaps he’s grappling internally on the one...
Drink Up
Collect all thoughts in the red plastic cup you hold. Filled with liquids erasing sorrows, Limbs, morals, sadness, yesterdays, tomorrows.
Pour out your worries in the cup you clutch, From your lips; passageways to medicine. Sex, drugs, rock & roll, never lost your head again.
Paper or plastic held the ingredients for this. Unknowing, unspeaking, you’re lost in your mind. His,...
Moonlight
Life is simpler in the moonlight, although the sun will always come out tomorrow.
Yesterday’s worries are today’s memories that trigger tomorrow’s actions.
If sleep cures so much, but sleep is for the weak, then does my happiness deteriorate my strength?
Tomorrow’s sunlight will clarify tonight’s moonlit glow.
I always need to create.
Specifically when I’m high. Because naturally, the term in itself and what it stands for just represents “bad”. Drug: bad. Alternative state of mind: bad. High, stoned, blazed, what have you: bad. And maybe it is and maybe it isn’t, but as much as I or the next stoner would want to disagree, this is frowned upon in someway or another. I, and not only I, think this is bad.
...
Scream
You know what? Fuck jobs. Fuck big corporations that don’t care about anything else but money. Fuck them, because all they care about is doing the shittiest things they can do to keep the cash flow coming in. They treat their employees like depersonalized slaves that they pretend to care about and they pay hardly. Cut your hair, shave your beard, don’t wear earrings, your hair’s...
Calm of the Storm
To die a death so simply; What a wondrous thing to do. A chorus and its symphony; Performing beauty so blue.
To feel the shock and feel the pain, The ache among your limbs. To leave the stress and leave the strain, The void in which you’re in.
But to wander among the sunlight, To feel the calm of the storm, To live and have it feel right, Overcomes death and all of its forms.
The Solemn and The Sweet
I am the roar inside your waters, The power of your stream. I am the waves that crash out of your ocean, The Sun and its beams.
I am the sunflowers of your garden, The peaches in which you pick. The roses that bloom through cracks in concrete, The Thin and the Thick.
You are the rain in which the sky cries, The snow in which it sheets. You are beauty and you are barren, The Solemn and The...
August 2011
2 posts
My sophomore year of college starts tomorrow.
Someone please tell me how I’m already a sophomore in college, because it seems like just last week I was fearing leaving my mom and leaving the town I lived in my entire life. It doesn’t seem like over a year ago that I looked upon the room I had been in since I was playing with dolls and saw my bare walls and filled-to-the-brim boxes. It doesn’t seem like a year has passed...
Parents need to stop giving their children iPads and start giving them books again. They need to stop giving them cellphones at a young age because they need to teach them how to communicate without words, how to not rely on technology, and how to appreciate friendships that don’t need to maintain constant communication every hour of every day. Parents need to take the bright screens away...
July 2011
5 posts
Anonymous asked: I just read your Personal ramblings, I came across the page after searching "what i am feeling can't be expressed" and it was number 1 on google.
I read the whole post, and im reading the rest of your posts right now.
I have to say, I am amazed at how much this resembles how i feel, or don't feel. It sounds dentical, like my feelings are trapped...
I read the whole post, and im reading the rest of your posts right now.
I have to say, I am amazed at how much this resembles how i feel, or don't feel. It sounds dentical, like my feelings are trapped...
3 tags
personal ramblings
I’m tired of feeling so much that it makes me feel like I’m feeling nothing. I’m tired of it. This has been going on for at least two months, at some degree or another. I’m tired of not being able to say anything because I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I’m feeling. I’m tired of not being able to write anything because I don’t...
2 tags
completely
I feel the pain you possess in your heart.
Unintentionally.
Accidentally.
Completely.
Sighs of tears that you can’t see. Feeling what they can’t feel. I don’t know details, but I know feelings. I can’t talk, but I can think.
Memories I never experienced of people I’ve never met. I don’t know why a heart breaks or why the morning dove sings so sad. I...
1 tag
my mind
What do you want?
Lips of mouths that smile at you. Lips of mouths to touch. I can’t move. I won’t. Suddenly you realize that everyone is smiling, if not with their mouths. Everyone around you. Embrace the embraces. Let go and hold on. In a room where the only sound is music. You won’t belong. You wouldn’t understand. You would brush away the smiles in eyes in voices in...
Water of the River
How funny it is that the line between pleasure and pain is so thin.
The sun is setting and my source of light is fading so I can’t write too much.
But how strange it is how quickly happiness can get shot down by a source of negativity.
And how beautiful it is that my troubles can seem to flow away like the water of the river in front of me.
June 2011
2 posts
May
Written throughout the month of May
3
Summer’s so close. I can feel it. The fact that I’ll have summer classes and a job isn’t even tampering my excitement. Because work and school or not, it will be a change. A change in time. A change in season. A change in faces and a change of personalities. I can see new possibilities arising and new adventures occurring. I can feel the...
May 2011
3 posts
When every hip kid believes that writing is their passion. When every cent you make is devoted to shit that isn’t worth saving pennies for. When you’re crying over bullshit that won’t matter next year. That’s when you realize you’re in a gap. A hole. A canyon. Screw it. When you’re laying in your bed staring at the distant blinking light of your laptop and you...
Everlasting Life
Don’t look now, but you’re standing on yourself. Don’t look now, but your problems are in the dirt beneath your feet. Don’t look now, but your ancestors are mingling in the trees outside your window.
Look now.
Look at us. What are we? What are we, but mere moving objects that inhabit this earth? What makes us anymore superior than the animals in the wild and the plants...
recycled words
It’s like I’m constantly in a mood to write lately. My mind won’t stop working, moving, coming up with ideas. I sit in silences staring off into any sort of space searching for ideas that may never be displayed in front of me. Ideas that will constantly linger in the unseen depths of thoughts behind my eyes. And I can’t stop the working, the moving, and the ideas. So...
April 2011
7 posts
Rain and Coffee and Incense and Writing
Oh, the sweet bliss of this combination. Oh, the many times this combination has inspired me to a point where nothing else can. Oh, the peace it brings and oh, the thoughts it inspires. So here is a bit of an ode to my perfect collaboration of inspiration.
So many pieces which have been inspired by rain. The trickling on the pavement, the smell of creosote, the soothing white noise it brings....
nocturnals asked: God, Nikki. Everything you write is perfect. As are you. I miss you!
Why are you worrying? Why are you overthinking? Some “chemical imbalance” in your brain? No. Don’t blame this on science. Blame this on you. Blame this on yourself letting you worry. On letting yourself overthink. Be sad if you want. Be down if you want to. Sure, go ahead and let yourself feel shitty. But while you let your heart sink down to depths you wish it wouldn’t go,...
Nothing
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing is real.
Your thoughts, that’s all that matters. The shouts in your head that ricochet against each other, they possess you. They hold you. Rip you. Pull you from one side of this void to another as you thrash and try to hold on to something steady.
Let go, don’t be a fool. Don’t be a fool because what you think is steady isn’t even...
This bed is so big.
I’m awake. I’m tired. I’m conscious, yet still overcome by sleep, and everything is so peaceful. The light is dim from the morning sun and my room is filled with a cool, still air that has been unstirred. Birds are chirping and hooting and fighting against my window and they’re all so alive while I’m still slowly being pushed out of the realm of sleep.
In my head is...
Go for it. Because you only live once. And life is...
We’re so tired. We’re so in a daze. We’re so on this routine that we’re okay with. I wish I had more time to read the books that used to bring my happiness. I wish I had more time to listen to the music that makes my mind go in circles. But I’m so tired. I want to sit and I want to run away from this. So I’ll turn my music up as I walk alone among the trees and...
March 2011
2 posts
Mess & Chaos, Fucking Beautiful
Well damn these thoughts and damn my wandering mind that never stops moving, never stops dreaming, never stops stressing me to the point of breakage, to the point of a racing heart, sweaty palms, hot face, uncomfortable limbs. Damn how it never takes a break, how even in sleep I cannot escape it and it furrows my brows in dreams of images I’d rather have pushed in the back of my mind. Damn...
Too Happy to Care
Written 25 March 2011
I told myself I would do so much. I told myself I would be responsible and focus on my goals. But there comes a point in your life when you realize you’ve been staring out of the window for a half-hour when you told yourself you would work on these goals. And there comes a point that follows where the pen suddenly attaches itself to the paper and the words that come...
28 February 2011
I am the snow that blankets the ground; glistening, still, content. Changing forms, melting, chilling. I am the birds in the sky and my heart feels weightless and I am the sun that shines on the snow and warms the feathers of the birds, and I am the wind that makes it all shudder. I feel like flying, like glistening, like flowing. I feel weightless and beautiful and I cannot fully comprehend why.
...
February 2011
4 posts
Quiet Now
Spinning and falling, no one is like the other. Every snowflake is unique, they say, just like the rest of us.
Breathless, speechless, noiseless.
Compacting to one—to a blanket, a ball, a man. Stepped in, fell in, eaten, thrown, dusted off. Every one is unique.
Glistening, sparkling, melting, dripping. Loved, hated, happiness and a winter wonderland.
One flake lost among the blanket. One...
One day, you'll be stardust.
The top five elements in the barren sky of the universe are the same top five elements in the human body (minus helium). One day, far, far from now, the earth will cease being. One day, when your body has rotted into and become one with the earth or your ashes have become lost among the world, that world will explode into the space around it. The fiery rocks and shining chunks of mass that used to...
January 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Pastel House
We didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into. But I think that was the point.
We abandoned the group in the unknown city we were spending time in and she lagged behind as I entered a house that we probably weren’t supposed to go into. It was untouched in the way that it was planning on being touched. It was unused in the way that it was planning on being used. I entered the tall...
Fraction of Eternity
Last night was one of those nights where the room was silent but my thoughts were so loud. My mind didn’t turn off and I couldn’t stand the noise as everything sat still and silent in my bedroom. Last night was one of those nights where I was overcome with the daunting reality that one day, I won’t have one of these nights. One day, I won’t be overcome with thoughts and...
December 2010
6 posts
2 tags
1 tag
Essential
I think I might be scared to see what the future holds for things that bring me so much joy.
I walked into Barnes & Noble today for the first time in about six months; and while the overall essence of scents of coffee and presence of literature and story-book endings had remained how I had remembered them, a few things had changed that put a small anchor on the joy inside me. First of all,...